There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
