I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
