yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize