went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
