I could make wine with my vomit
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
