So drunk its hurt
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
