You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
