I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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