He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
