Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
