take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
