I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
