I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
