Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
