sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
