see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
