peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
