Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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