she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
