So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
