is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
