My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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