I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
