so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
