Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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