Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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