So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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