you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i drank out of a bidet.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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