Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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