I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
