new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
