Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she pinky promised me she was 18
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
