All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
