hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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