I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize