This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
