I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
