I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize