My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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