I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
