You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize