Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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