This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
