apparently the secret to your success is patron
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Drunk is not a location!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
