theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Terrible idea I love it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
do nipples grow back?
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