Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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