I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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