I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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