All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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