The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
