If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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