I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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