I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
