There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
