i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
