I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
