i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
