I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize