My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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