Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I love you. Go after that dick
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
