Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize