i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
