Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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