I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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