my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
