'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize