I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize