I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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