Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
